Ms. MacGyver interrupted my poetry reading and laughed out loud when she heard that line.
“Flies are disgusting,” Ms. MacGyver said, still laughing while simultaneously shaking her head. A chorus of cackles and howls emanated through the classroom and into the hallway.
“Gentle as a feather, maybe?” I proposed sheepishly, once the laughter had subsided.
“Gentle as a feather is better,” she said.
And that was my first experience editing my work as a writer, in front of my peers at John Rogers Elementary in Seattle.
I always thought Mrs. MacGyver was kind of a bitch, honestly. And she was kind of a bitch. But I learned just about as much during my one year in her class as I did throughout the rest of my time as an elementary school student. When I officially took my standardized test in the spring of 1994, my scores were respectably a little above average.
Mrs. MacGyver would be unemployable in this “cancel culture” era, which is tragic in my unsolicited and unprofessional-bordering-on-boorish opinion. My academic development would have been impeded dramatically over the course of years if not for her firmness and strategic interventions. The world needs more teachers like Mrs. MacGyver, not less of them.
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Now, since you made it this far, it’s also remotely possible that you’d like to read a sample from my book, Love Songs and Suicide. So far, my six-foot lesbian friend is the only person on Earth who’s read it, but that’s a one-thousand-plus-word story you don’t need to hear right now.
Description Below
It’s the Book with a Soundtrack Link Included!
After losing his day job as an editor, songwriter Robert Horton accepts a minimum-wage security position at a rural hospital. There, he faces off with volatile psych patients and occasionally questions his own sanity. He also meets and befriends Amelia, the beautiful and nomadic nurse who inspires him to travel, write new music, and exacerbates his alcoholism.
Horton later embarks on three cross-country road trips, traversing the Oregon Coast, seventeen other states, and New Orleans. On his “Bipolar Express” tour of the American Southwest, he visits five national parks in six days, navigates a flash flood, and often daydreams about Amelia.
Despite its heavy title, Love Songs and Suicide features hilarious anecdotes in nearly every chapter. Horton reports on his observations as a security guard, detailing his interactions with a motley crew of meth heads and certifiable lunatics. He recounts vomiting on the actress Sigourney Weaver’s mother. Other stories involve a deaf ex-professional breakdancer from the Philippines, “The Worst Wingman Ever,” and a double-dog dare at the Grand Canyon.
Told with the kind of honesty that will make readers cringe in both horror and delight, Horton delivers poignant reflections on depression, anxiety, and grief. The book is also a heartfelt love letter, dedicated to heroic healthcare workers everywhere. It contains four parts.
1. Hangovers Upon Hangovers
2. The Security Section
3. Travels, Tribulations, and a Plague
4. Hang Gliding Naked in the Himalayas
You’re welcome to come along for the ride. And unless you’re on a plane or out in public, pants are optional. Access to the book’s soundtrack is included with your purchase (details inside).
* * *
Here’s a link to the Word doc (available for free) if you’d like to read a sample from the book, and when prompted, please enter the code 1234: https://1drv.ms/w/s!Ai4OBx3xRtU3hGoLnR-q2LW5QJjs?e=FTmpqE
Alternatively, you can also read the full first section of the book via Amazon’s “Look Inside” feature.
Amazon link is here: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0BK625NCY/
Have a prosperous and healthy new year!